I had to explain the concept of a spiral yesterday. I’m talking about the mental ones that rapidly devolve into the same black hole of self-hate and pity despite its origins. When it really is a dark abyss because the periphery of your vision becomes blurry, and the blinders focus on all of the miserable inconsequence of all that you do and ultimately are.
I gave examples.
You know, when you question whether this is what you want. And it has to be because, if it weren’t, than what the hell are you doing right now, here? Why do you have to sit through these anxiety-ridden situations with people you don’t understand and who don’t understand you? You could be frolicking in Dolores Park with a beautiful brown-eyed hipster who you don’t care about seeing tomorrow or talking to ever again for that matter. So this has to be what you want. But at the same time, you don’t fit here, do you? Do you really not fit? Or is it all in your head?
You know, when you question whether you should have come here? Or whether it was a huge uncomfortable mistake? And it probably was, because otherwise, this would be easier. But is the challenge all in your head? Something wrong with you? It must be because this seems so much easier for everyone else. And then, it’s your fault again. All of your shortcomings and inability to just deal with what life is, in this moment. But it might all be in your head. And then there’s something wrong with you.
You know, when you just had to say something, but didn’t. And with that omission, you are lacking. People think less of you. Or maybe you said too much. You couldn’t just hold it in, just for a few more seconds just to think about it to yourself. And you’re again reminded that you don’t fit here. You don’t know how to deal with this situation. But then, how much are people really judging you by it? Usually people are wrapped up in their own thing, but sometimes, they’re not. Or maybe other people really are more forgiving than you are of yourself. Perhaps.
And the worst and best part of the whole spiral, maybe because it’s the end, for now – could you just get a grip and get your shit together and get over it? Because if you don’t, you’re going to be forever anxious and afraid, consumed by others’ perceived judgment when it’s your own self-absorption that makes you think that they’re really thinking about you for more than a couple of seconds. And you’re not that. You can’t be.
One’s own head might be a horrible place to be alone, especially mine. And I am most often alone by preference and sometimes by necessity. But everyone goes through spirals – spirals of shame, of self-hate, of inadequacy. Whatever you’d like to call it. It happens when we challenge ourselves, push ourselves out of our comfort zone, and hopefully learn something for it – hopefully for something we want. Or maybe that’s what I need to tell myself. Maybe I need to know that all of this will somehow be worth it. So here I am, forcing some perspective, to fix my head.