Counting Days

I have a breakdown every time I move to a new city, a new place. The past few years have been called my early twenties. Staying in one place is decidedly not in my line of work.

I just moved two days ago. I feel it simmering, threatening to boil over. It’s always the same questions. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I force this upon myself over and over again knowing what’s to come? I was fine before. I was happy before. I could have stayed.

My mind spins, a broken record, repeating these questions even as I know their implications aren’t true. There are reasons that I came. There are reasons that I came here. I had to come. And it’s here that I will find what I’m looking for.

I’m waiting for it to come. The complete breakdown: the tears and hysteria and self-medication. Nothing crazy. Maybe a couple of glasses of wine or maybe some melatonin to sleep it off.

But it doesn’t come this time. Three more days creep by and so far, I’ve kept it at bay. I think I’m almost in the clear.

This isn’t the first time. Having moved seven times in the past few years, I’ve since noticed the pattern. The first few days are my test. The days where I find out what I loved and have left behind, the time and circumstances that I can never get back. Even if I were to go back now, today, or tomorrow, it’s gone. What I’m left with here is the stress, anxiety, excitement, and curiosity of what more of the world there is to discover. But I’m alone.

It’s been two weeks. The breakdown isn’t coming. Maybe I’m getting better at this. Different from the times before, what I notice now is an enduring ache. I work to keep the tears away when I see the Golden Gate, what used to be home. In any case, it’s not what I should call home. It’s not where I grew up. In fact, it was only a year and some change. What right do I have to feel about this place?

Still, I can’t help but think that this might be worse that the sudden outbursts of earlier moves. This one has stayed and I’m not sure how long it will take to treat. For now, I wake up in the morning and go through the motions of my day. For now, I try to fit things into my day that may make me fit into this place. For now, I focus my head on getting through the day to make it until the night, when I come back to my bed.

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